I want to share with you why I blog.
It’s a way to express my struggles and try to make sense of it all. I believe that as spiritual beings having a human experience, we’re all in the same boat to some extent. We all dream. We all have an imagination (whether we use it or not is a different story). We all struggle to learn the lessons and make sense of it all, forever in the onward and upward expansion of our lives. And hopefully, by sharing my journey, you understand that you are not alone in yours.
I also want to acknowledge it’s been some time since I’ve blogged. And to be honest, this post, I originally wrote almost a month ago. I’ve kept visiting, updating and editing. So much has happened in the past month and for some reason this post didn’t seem quite ready. Now, I understand it was me that wasn’t quite ready.
Up until last weekend this post was all about trust. Trust in myself and in the universe. It was going to be about my struggles to fund my dream (education in particular, and the huge expenses that seemingly come out of nowhere just to “test”). I was going to share some practices that helped increase the trust and tune into the right success frequency. Don’t get me wrong, this is still very important and I will still share in another post, but it I’ve come to realize it actually wasn’t what I was struggling with. The trust was part of a much, much bigger thing.
It was commitment.
I took a course last weekend that was all about exploring the different perspectives we hold and what can come available to us if we consciously choose a different perspective than the one that’s limiting us.
There were pieces of tape on the floor dividing the room into small segments and there was a sentence (perspective) in each of these segments. They said things like “limiting like a straightjacket”, “creates powerful intention” “a way to live my purpose” and “overwhelming”. The word commitment was put in the centre and we were asked to stand in the perspective that felt the truest to us.
Prior to this, I hadn’t consciously thought about my feelings around commitment and how they could be limiting me. I chose to stand in “other”. Commitment to me was elusive.
Elusive: (thank you Dictionary.com)
- Difficult to catch
- Preferring or living in solitude or anonymity
- Difficult to remember
I offer the definition because the word actually came to me before I had a good handle on what it meant. To me elusive was something you intend to incorporate into your life but it’s sneaky and always finds a way to evade capture. I liked the idea of commitment, but was it really for me? Because if it was, why did I have such a hard time following through?
By holding the perspective that commitment was elusive it made it someone/something else’s fault when I couldn’t follow through. By choosing to live this way I didn’t have to let anyone down (in theory), especially myself. What if I try to go for my dream and fail? What if I fall flat on my face? Well, what would happen if I didn’t go for it at all?
We were then asked to stand in the perspective that’s the least true for us. I chose “exciting and juicy”. Commitment to me was anything but exciting and juicy. It was filled with have tos and obligations. Missing out on y because I already committed to x. There was no spontaneity, no aliveness. I was then asked “what would be available to you if you took on this perspective?” For lack of a better word, I had an “awakening” (aka breakdown).
All I could feel was a tightness in my chest, in fact, I continue to feel it as I write this post. Over the past week that feeling and I are starting to come to terms with each other, it’s vulnerability.
All I could think of when they asked what’s available in the exciting and juicy perspective was intimacy (Dad if you’re reading this you may want to skip to the next paragraph FYI). Laying in bed with a partner, nothing to protect you, nothing to hide behind; only your soul and theirs. I get a knot in my stomach just thinking about it! That to me, is vulnerability.
Then I thought, what’s available to me when I’m vulnerable? What kind of relationship is available when I’m willing to be this way? What kind of life is available when I’m willing to be this way?
It’s scary shit. But it’s also beautiful. And powerful.
As you can sense, commitment now to me means something very different. Commitment to me is vulnerability. Its saying “I commit wholeheartedly to living the life I want to live, my dream”, which makes me intensely vulnerable. And finally, I’m okay with it.
Vulnerability to me means letting someone/something see all of the parts of you, not just the ones you allow them to see. It’s giving up control. It’s an exposure of the heart. It opens you up for hurt, pain, betrayal, and the sting of not getting what you want. But it also opens you up to a deeper love, joy, and sense of gratitude; and I choose the ladder.